HERD OF CATTLE?

“Yeah, I’ve heard of cattle.”

Or so the punch line of the joke goes. As I remember it.

What about a herd of worms? I heard of that too. In fact, we have taken up worm herding at our house. We bought a compost bin that works on worm power.

You put the food scraps in and the worms turn them into compost.

We are worm wranchers!

Much like real ranchers, we have to herd the worms. Initially, the two sides of the cedar box are empty. One side is filled with food scraps, shredded paper, compost and redworms. The other side is empty until the worms complete their work on the first side. With new materials on the empty side, the worms can migrate. Until that time, you have to herd the worms back to the starter side.

We lost a few head of worms during the first three days. The other strays I was able to move back to the working side. I thought about branding the little critters but they won’t get too far and the chance of rustlers coming through town is very slim. Besides, how do you know which end of the worm to brand?

BOGO and the grocery store

BOGO! or B1G1!

A marvelous marketing gimmick found mostly in grocery store aisles. Buy One! Get One! Buy one item and get an identical item for free. Two cans of chicken noodle soup for the price of one. Or, my favorite, buy one pork loin and get the second one free. Of course, the second one of the meat products is always the smaller size.

It is a good deal for the consumer, unless you do as I do and decide that by saving the money on the two items you now have money to spend on something else. The BOGO is a good deal for the retailer because they move product out the door and your money in the door.

There is a local area car dealer who has, in the past, run a BOGO on new cars. The ultimate loss leader deal. You get two very basic automobiles for the price of one. Not bad if you need two cars exactly alike.

My candidate for the world's best BOGO award is a merchant in Marysville, Washington. The merchant was in tune with the big Memorial Day weekend sales pitch. As we drove through town on 88th Street, we saw the perfect sign in the perfect location. With Old Glory waving in the gentle Sunday morning breeze, the sign stood out among the lush greenery on the property.

Memorial Day Sale!
This weekend only!
Two plots for the price of one!
Welcome to Marysville Cemetery.

OLD MAN AND THE POPE?

After a year and half, an appropriate amount of time given the age group I have been working with, I have changed jobs.

My friend Mike said that God dropped a helicopter in my front yard and I better get on it. I have. Today was the first day on the job as sacristan/sacramental assistant at our parish. Our current sacristan had resigned and the deacon asked my wife if I might be interested. The helicopter landed in the front yard and I got on.

No diapers to change, not one whine or the cheese to go with it, and a new commute to work (five minutes one way).

The pay is better than the daycare job. It would take me another two years working with the toddlers to get to the pay of the new job.

I will miss the kids but I was ready for a change. There is no way I will be greeted at church in the morning like I was at daycare. “Mr. Tom’s here!” Lots of hugs then, “Read a book!” and “Sit down! Sit Down!” and “Row, Row?”, all followed by more hugs. Just won’t happen with a bunch of adults. That experience with the kids will be hard to match.

That’s okay, though. On my way into the church office I met two of the parishioners who frequent daily Mass. Both of them said hello and then congratulated me on my new job. Just about as good as all the hugs from the little ones.

All I have to do now is live up to the expectations that people have of me in this new setting.

I have gone from taking care of babies to taking care of God’s flock and their churchgoing. This means I should change the title of my blog. My daughter came up with the original title and with the definitive replacement. Instead of “Old Man and the Poop” it should be called “Old Man and the Pope”. I don’t know what Benedict XVI thinks of the title but I like it.

HALLO, BUDDY

A new twist on the Nigerian money scammers. At least for me, it is. The usual message is in broken English from a supposedly highly educated individual. Misspellings and punctuation and grammar errors abound. This new version is in German, I believe, complete with the requisite misspellings and punctuation and grammar errors. I left most of the message in the delete file but if you wish to contact Sgt. Felix M. I am sure he will try to contact you in the near future.

Hallo Buddy,
Ich hoffe, meine E-Mail genьgt Ihnen alles Gute. Mein Name ist Sgt. Felix M. Ich bin
Engineering in der militдrischen Einheit hier in Bagdad im Irak, mit
Speiserцhrenkrebs, die alle Formen der medizinischen Behandlung verunreinigt hat,
und jetzt habe ich nur ьber ein paar Wochen / Monate zu leben, nach
medizinischer Sachverstдndiger. Mein verstorbener 2 Kollegen, die letzte Woche in einer Bombe gestorben
Explosion und ich fand eine riesige Summe von 75 Millionen Dollar USD in Bagdad Nachbarschaft

Klicken Sie auf den folgenden Link, um weitere Informationen:

Regards.
Sgt.Felix

SPRING BALL

My daughter spent the weekend with us. She reminded me that we needed to get the softball and mitts out and play some catch. It is that time of year. The only problem: Neither of us have played catch in two years. She ran off to Germany for a year and that is just too far for a pick up game. But now she is home and we can play catch again. Both of us admitted that we better get our throwing arms in shape or it was going to be a painful time enjoying this father-daughter rite of Spring.

I am looking forward to the game of catch as it is something for just the two of us. We forget about the problems of the world and just enjoy the time together, the fresh air and the marvelous sound of the ball as it hits the mitt.

GOING GREAT

The other day, one of our little charges needed to use the bathroom. “I gotta go potty!” One of the teachers took the kid down the hall to the bathroom. Oops! False alarm. The girl didn’t have to go potty. She came back to the classroom and within one minute announced to me that there was a problem by the book corner where she was standing. Oops! She did need to use the potty. Soaked pants, soaked shoes and some cleaning to do.

The next morning the girl made the same statement, “I gotta go potty!” I took her down the hall with admonitions to her from all of the adults to make sure she used the potty. We arrived at the potty; she unbuttoned her pants and lowered them and her panties. Then she says, “I have panties just like my daddy.” All I could say to myself was, “God, I hope not.” As she is situating herself on the potty she says, “My daddy has a penis. I don’t have a penis. But I have a bottom.” And dry pants!

APRIL FOOLIN'

On the 2nd of April, the day after April Fools’ Day, I am at daycare, sitting on a couple of large pillows and leaning against the wall. Two kids are sitting on my lap as we read a book. They tire of the reading and run off to another part of the room to play.

Another child, Miss J. comes up to me and says, “Tom! Tom!” She is trying to get my hand and have me stand up. She has a good vocabulary so I try to get her to tell me what she wants. She is pointing to the other end of the room where the big foam blocks are. I presume that is her intended destination and that she wants to play with the blocks. She keeps grabbing at my hand and pointing to the block area.

I become more determined to get her to tell me what she wants. Miss J. keeps repeating my name and grabbing at my hand. I finally give up on the verbal communication and say, “Okay, I’ll get up.” Miss J. backs away so I can stand up. I start to walk toward the block area and then turn around to make sure Miss J. is with me, figuring she will want to hold my hand as we walk across the room.

She is not with me. She is sitting on the pillows and looking quite pleased with herself. Smug. Content. A woman wise beyond her years, all two of them.

There’s no fool like an old fool.