CLOSED CAPTIONING

It has been a year since I first started to wear hearing aids. Early on in my journey with the hearing aids I had an email discussion with a friend from high school. He asked me how life was treating me. I told him I that I now had hearing aids and I expressed my frustrations with having to wear them. My friend asked what my hearing aids looked like. Photos of hearing aids are not particularly interesting so I sent the following picture, conveying my innermost thoughts about having to wear hearing aids. A picture, after all, is worth a thousand words.

General 'Bloodbath' McGrath aka Ted Levine http://wildwildwest.warnerbros.com/

Over the last year I have finally gotten used to wearing the darn things and the benefits outweigh the inconvenience. Life is better now that I can hear. My wife is more patient with me when she says something and I don’t respond. She checks to see if I am wearing my hearing aids. And I am much better about letting her know that, “I don’t have my ears in.” My wife will speak louder and I will pay closer attention to what she says. This has saved us both a lot of frustration.

I have noticed that when one of my batteries dies, I can immediately tell the difference in my hearing. The stereo effect is gone and I feel a bit lopsided, listing to one side and turning my head so that I can make good use of the functioning hearing aid. The simple cure is putting a new battery in and getting everything back to normal.

One of the niftier amenities of TV that I have discovered, now that I have a need for it, is Closed Captioning. When I get up in the early morning hours my wife is still sleeping so when I turn the TV on for the morning news and entertainment I keep the volume down low. But then I can’t hear the TV. So I click the Closed Captioning button on the options menu and I can follow the show as I read the words that appear on the screen.

The Closed Captioning works great on an old movie or TV show that is on tape, the words keep up with the action on the screen. Live shows such as the news or sports don’t have the same results. The words are always behind the video. In fact, one story may be half over and the words showing on the screen are from the story before that. In addition to the time delay between story and text there is often a spelling problem.

I was watching the April 12th morning Mass on EWTN and the priest was giving his homily on the day’s passage from the Gospel of Luke. The priest says, “And when Thomas answered and said to him, “My Lord and my God!” The Closed Captioning read, “My Lord and my guide!” While it is close to the spoken word, it doesn’t have quite the impact as “My Lord and my God!”

The priest went on to talk about,

“Theophilus, the person to whom this gospel is directed.”

The Closed Captioning version came out as,

“The omphalos, the person to whom this gospel is directed”

And what holy, sacred song did this caption bring to mind?

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo.
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee.
If you are wise you'll listen to me.

If I could hear you, Willy, I would listen!